I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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