It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Two words: blizzard sex
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
