If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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