Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
