You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
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I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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