Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
