if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
