So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
