I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
