just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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