im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
