i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
