At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
