Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
