You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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