Jerry, you need to find god
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
