Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
