plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now