Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
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Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
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I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.