so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.