My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
