I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
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I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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