So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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