just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
