My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
