On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
