Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
