Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
