Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
