A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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