Small penises have feelings too.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
