so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
