so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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