I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
