Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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