Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
