Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
