Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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