i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
