Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
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I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
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Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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