nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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