WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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