woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
