So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
