all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
