bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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