the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
