and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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