I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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