Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
