I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
