we made out on top of his cat.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
