Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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