I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
