Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
