FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
