I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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