Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
