she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
