my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
